Strangest things are happening …

… to everyone around here.

Well, dear friends, I have taken a hiatus from the online world for a bit. That means no Twitter, Facebook, Monday Blogs etc. My writing has suffered lately, from inattentiveness. Life, as it stands, is a sore point. There’s a need to be quiet, and still inside.

So I’m off wandering for a bit. Rest assured, whoever cares, I’ll come back when I’ve kicked these blues into touch. Right now, I cannot be good company to anyone.

As for you, Liebe –

I meant what I said. Not that I have said anything, indirectly or otherwise, without the greatest depth of meaning. I wasn’t looking to fall in love again, and certainly not with – yet another – person I can’t stand beside.

You have everything. I have nothing. Do you know, can you conceive of it – how this feels? To know that the blind spot you have, is a part of you I’ll never know?

Anyway. Pity-party aside, I don’t regret one moment, except my own anger and cowardice; but there’s only so many times I can be met with indifference, ignorance feigned or genuine, before I doubt my own sanity. I backed off because you would not give me anything solid on which to rest my thoughts / feelings. Oh I know, I’m as much to blame; but the language of symbols began, because you would not talk. Not in the conventional sense, anyway, when everyone else finds it so goddamn easy – except on a couple of occasions, and I was so vinegar to you; it was shameful of me.

Try to see it from this view – I’ve been mentally ill for a long time. This is something to come to terms with. I am well aware of how easily I can misinterpret things; how I can get them wrong, seeing only what I want to see. Delusional. Wasn’t that the word? I never forgot it, since it summed up my state quite well.

I see constellations between stars; shapes that may be contorted and changed. Too easy to read your words, and find my own meaning.

So when I asked for clarity, I meant it in the strongest sense, for my own sanity as well as judgement. Just a single fragment of actual words, to know I didn’t have things wrong, before business could resume as usual, in the wicked games I love so much. It’s been ridiculous, this empty silence.
I saw my mind white-out with the terror that it had, at last, snapped. I don’t know if you meant for it to happen. I don’t know how much of anything you meant, really.

You can love me, hate me, or be ambivalent. It actually makes little difference anymore, I’m quite numb inside. Hence the need for distraction, pursuing the military intelligence / European politics / human rights campaigns that so engage my interest and sympathy/empathy. I watch what is going on overseas, and loathe the perpetrators, for I know how it feels to have the voice silenced, and basic rights taken away. Not that I can possibly draw a line between my own experience, and theirs. But it’s a vantage point, still.

There is barely anything else, other than you and the dear friends I have, to win a smile. I do myself no favours by giving Life a good shove, too.

I’m sorry. And spiteful, and hating this distance more than anything in my life. And all this damn seriousness. It was only meant to be a game, before the rules changed, and I started to care. That wasn’t part of the deal, of going it alone.

Nothing more to say, for now, except this – please forgive your pupil. She is still learning to be human, to stick pins of humour in her own skin.
Immer dein, Liebe.
x

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21 thoughts on “Strangest things are happening …

  1. jabe842 says:

    Be well … šŸ˜‰ x

  2. I just noticed you weren’t on Twitter and came over here. I hope you find peace soon. Much love. xx

    • raishimi33 says:

      Thanks, sweetheart. And I’m sorry for not replying to your beautiful comment on the 2nd half of “Song..” I’m worn out, to be honest. The reaction to both posts was far more than expected; quite wonderful, but ja, I just need a few days alone in my head. Hope you don’t take that offensively, it’s not anyone’s fault, but being around people in my head is just as tiring as being around them physically, if that makes sense. The whole “big room, chattering crowds” image, again.

      And, some things I need to sort out in my mind once and for all.
      Love you all x

      • I completely get it. I wanted to do the same yesterday and have done so before so I completely understand. The online world can be a comfort at times but scary and overwhelming at others, just as the real world can. I found my head again today but tomorrow it could well fall off again. You keep yourself well. No one is more important than yourself. Catch you soon. (We’re here if you need us.) xx

      • raishimi33 says:

        Likewise, liebling. I’m no good to anyone at the moment, the state my head has been in, and this pains me. Too many directions to go in at once. So it’s blinkers on, for now, and writing / research – got a hell of a lot to catch up on. Then we’ll see what happens. I’m still here, on the blog, and will be checking in with you lot to make sure you’re into inappropriate mischief.

        Stay safe (and cunning) x

      • You too lovely. xx

  3. Graham Milne says:

    Pardon the cliche, but hang in there, darling Rachael. We’ll be here for you when you’re ready.

    • raishimi33 says:

      Thanks, darling. I’ll be back soon, to tear strips out of you all again šŸ˜‰ And I’m still on here, keeping an eye on your lives. Which sounds worse than it is xx

  4. Don’t feel like you need to justify yourself to anyone. When you decide to hit the reset button and catch your breath, do it and do it on your terms. You have a whole tribe here to support you when your ready. Breathe…

    • raishimi33 says:

      You know, that’s hit the nail on the head. MY terms. And being part of that tribe, is something I miss while away; but there’s a need for me to stretch out and be alone for a bit, to think and read etc.

      You’re all dear to me. Stay safe x

  5. Amira K. says:

    Be well, my love. Come back soon, for we’ll miss your words and more than that, your presence. I’m here whenever you need me, as you were for me that day, as are, I think, all of us who care about you.

    • raishimi33 says:

      Darling. I miss you all, already. This self-imposed exile is needed, though. I’ve let my head run wild too much.
      I’ll be home soon. Take care of each other. I’ll still be around on here; just got reading/writing to catch up on xx

  6. I’d spotted that you’d taken a break from Twitter, you should never feel obligated to be on social media or to justify any absence – we all need a break from things occasionally (I’ve done it often enough).
    Just looking at the lovely comments from people here it is obvious that I am not the only one to miss you! Take your time and return when your head is back in the right place.

    • raishimi33 says:

      Dear friend. I do miss our conversations; I’m keeping my head down for a bit, while running several trains of thought / research. There’s also an idea growing behind my eyes, regarding my Twitter account. Will be back anon. Keep a weather eye on the kittens for me šŸ˜‰

      Rach

  7. Jess West says:

    Adding my ante to the pot, Love. Come home soon. ā™„

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