… to everyone around here.
Well, dear friends, I have taken a hiatus from the online world for a bit. That means no Twitter, Facebook, Monday Blogs etc. My writing has suffered lately, from inattentiveness. Life, as it stands, is a sore point. There’s a need to be quiet, and still inside.
So I’m off wandering for a bit. Rest assured, whoever cares, I’ll come back when I’ve kicked these blues into touch. Right now, I cannot be good company to anyone.
As for you, Liebe –
I meant what I said. Not that I have said anything, indirectly or otherwise, without the greatest depth of meaning. I wasn’t looking to fall in love again, and certainly not with – yet another – person I can’t stand beside.
You have everything. I have nothing. Do you know, can you conceive of it – how this feels? To know that the blind spot you have, is a part of you I’ll never know?
Anyway. Pity-party aside, I don’t regret one moment, except my own anger and cowardice; but there’s only so many times I can be met with indifference, ignorance feigned or genuine, before I doubt my own sanity. I backed off because you would not give me anything solid on which to rest my thoughts / feelings. Oh I know, I’m as much to blame; but the language of symbols began, because you would not talk. Not in the conventional sense, anyway, when everyone else finds it so goddamn easy – except on a couple of occasions, and I was so vinegar to you; it was shameful of me.
Try to see it from this view – I’ve been mentally ill for a long time. This is something to come to terms with. I am well aware of how easily I can misinterpret things; how I can get them wrong, seeing only what I want to see. Delusional. Wasn’t that the word? I never forgot it, since it summed up my state quite well.
I see constellations between stars; shapes that may be contorted and changed. Too easy to read your words, and find my own meaning.
So when I asked for clarity, I meant it in the strongest sense, for my own sanity as well as judgement. Just a single fragment of actual words, to know I didn’t have things wrong, before business could resume as usual, in the wicked games I love so much. It’s been ridiculous, this empty silence.
I saw my mind white-out with the terror that it had, at last, snapped. I don’t know if you meant for it to happen. I don’t know how much of anything you meant, really.
You can love me, hate me, or be ambivalent. It actually makes little difference anymore, I’m quite numb inside. Hence the need for distraction, pursuing the military intelligence / European politics / human rights campaigns that so engage my interest and sympathy/empathy. I watch what is going on overseas, and loathe the perpetrators, for I know how it feels to have the voice silenced, and basic rights taken away. Not that I can possibly draw a line between my own experience, and theirs. But it’s a vantage point, still.
There is barely anything else, other than you and the dear friends I have, to win a smile. I do myself no favours by giving Life a good shove, too.
I’m sorry. And spiteful, and hating this distance more than anything in my life. And all this damn seriousness. It was only meant to be a game, before the rules changed, and I started to care. That wasn’t part of the deal, of going it alone.
Nothing more to say, for now, except this – please forgive your pupil. She is still learning to be human, to stick pins of humour in her own skin.
Immer dein, Liebe.