Ugh.

This won’t do. My behaviour hasn’t been fantastic lately – nor my creative output – and for both, I apologise.

Long story short, I am prone to getting lumps in my chest. Usually a build-up of tissue, brought on by hormonal shifts related to menstruation (blah blah), which has only become a regular thing quite recently, with weight gain. The flipside of improved health, is I have to go for check-ups on some of the larger lumps, to make sure they’re only cysts or whatever, and not something more. The Big C runs in my family.

Had a biopsy on one yesterday (am losing track of days); waiting for results. I never was good at waiting for anything. Consequently, I am being a shit to just about everyone, intentionally or otherwise; and distracting myself any-way I know how. The flipside of this being, I am not good at doling out attention, close-hand. And tend to become ice-maidenish.

I’m still thinking of you. And it’ll prove to be nothing, like all the others. The constant ache (I hate having tits at the best of times) and hormonal fluctuations, only serve to fuel anorexia’s triumphant yell that I would be much better off down in the black ‘n white with it.

You get the picture. I’m not a nice person at the moment. Far too serious.
Normal service will resume soon, and I’ll give you all Hell, with a wire-grin.

Much love x

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24 thoughts on “Ugh.

  1. zephyrezz says:

    You are not alone. I am at a creative low and am hating myself for almost everything. If you see me from outside, you will see a person sitting at her desk and peacefully working. But the thing is, a tempest is raging inside.

    • raishimi33 says:

      I understand, liebling. And wish I had more words to offer than this: Don’t keep it bottled up all the time. It’ll come out eventually, in some way or another, and might unintentionally hurt those you care about. I never mean to be how I am, when these things occur (usually 1-2 times a year), and distraction has always been my coping mechanism. Particularly when they are topics I care about, which are distant enough not to involve me directly.

      Blog about it. You can make set the entry to Private if needs be, but don’t lock it up inside. I know that’s easier said than done. x

      • zephyrezz says:

        Writing helps, not always, but often. Thank you, for encouraging me to let it out. Sometimes a small push can go a long way.

  2. Karen Soutar says:

    Aahh, that’s hard. Sending you positive thoughts and lots of love. xx

  3. Kate says:

    Sending you hugs & best wishes –
    You words even now are delicious…
    Your images vivid, colorful, felt –
    Reading your lines my heart always melts
    From beauty you hold within…
    I know in the end you will win.
    Fighting demons, blue moods & doubts,
    Shining with brand new lights,
    Sharing your thoughts with the world
    In beautiful rhymes & prose…
    Rainbow of pictures you see,
    Music you hear that heals –
    Reflecting in your magic words…
    I’ll pray for you to all Gods
    To let your smile shine again
    & never be left in pain…
    I’m sending you positive vibes
    Along with a few warm rhymes…
    ^_^ hugs xo

    • raishimi33 says:

      “Rainbow of pictures you see,
      Music you hear that heals.”

      You wonderful thing. Danke schon xxx

      • Kate says:

        You are too πŸ˜‰ got inspired to write to u as soon as i finished reading ^_^ Happy u enjoyed & liked it – was a pleasure to write ❀ xox

  4. Graham Milne says:

    Be well, darling Rachael. I have no doubt you will be back to intimidating the rest of us with your literary talents in no time.

    • raishimi33 says:

      Just keep up the Song in my Heart posts; they make me smile, or snag up my throat (in a good way) and have given some startling insights into not only your life, but the culture around you. I wonder, if I asked nicely, would you attempt the same for books πŸ˜‰ I’m considering a run-down of influential books-post, same style as before.

      Danke, liebling. You guys have always kept me going x

  5. jabe842 says:

    An angel, promising to give us all hell? How very you πŸ˜‰ Take care x

  6. Thinking of you. Be good to yourself and if you need anything, someone new to be a grotbags to or offload, you know where I am. Take care darling x

  7. I hope this just a false alarm, sending positive vibes your way…

    • raishimi33 says:

      Most likely it will be, m’dear, as the others have been. I am my own downfall; waiting on results, causes an outbreak of nimbus-cloud moods, and a need to hide away. But since this is the basis of my personality, I guess it’s close to normal service anyhow πŸ˜‰
      Am going to try and brighten up a bit, though.

      • I know the feeling even when things go well I overanalyse them to the point that I doubt them. Though I barely know you; it is obvious that you have the strength in you to get through this (even if you can’t see it yourself). PS: Don’t worry about your mood: anyone who is reasonable should understand how this would effect you, don’t add more pressure to yourself by worrying about us.

      • raishimi33 says:

        “I know the feeling even when things go well I overanalyse them to the point that I doubt them.”

        Ja, this. Definitely this.

        Danke, mein freund

  8. Don’t be so quick to judge yourself. You are entitled to have FEELINGS. You are a living breathing human and if you didn’t feel a little irked, that would be something to worry about. A life with feelings is much better than walking around prentending to be something you’re not. Positive thoughts coming your way.

    • raishimi33 says:

      You’re far wiser than I have been, James. Each time I try to block out feelings, they tend to appear somewhere else, often in a volatile form. Not conducive to good relations with anyone. And nobody can stay numb forever.

      Danke, m’dear

  9. Amira K. says:

    Ahhh, sweet girl. You’ve nothing to fear, creatively or otherwise, I’m sure – creatively, your words can only gain magic from pain, like a tithe, and health-wise, though nerves are no doubt high, I’ve certainty (dare I call it faith?) that you’ll come out the stronger.

    Needless, my thoughts are with you, cherie.

  10. Mike Andberg says:

    Raishimi,
    In the time since you wrote this post, I hope you feel better.
    I relate. I have Lyme disease. And I have times when even my family doesn’t recognize me and the mood I’m projecting. But they understand. I hope the community that surrounds you does, too. But sometimes it’s better just to be (by) yourself. So, yes, I relate.
    Please know your post “Songs That Saved My Life” is still very cool to me! I posted it on my website to share with other visitors. I have also become a Follower of your blog.
    Be well.
    Mike Andberg

    • raishimi33 says:

      And for your kind words, Mike, I wish I had something more than a much-humbled Thank You – and I’m sorry for your ailment. But you’re right in acknowledging that we can’t always be the person others perceive us to be. Sometimes the pain is too much. I mean, there’s being brave, but also not having to feel you *must* smile all the time. If I can’t handle people, for whatever reason, I take myself away from them.

      Danke

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